


A Fate Worse Than Death

by ChristineP



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Challenge Response, Humor, M/M, Multi, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-04
Updated: 2011-12-04
Packaged: 2017-10-26 20:55:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/287756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristineP/pseuds/ChristineP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roy and Ed are interrupted by a very unwelcomed visitor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Fate Worse Than Death

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in response to a request from Nochick_fics on livejournal for crack!fic featuring Major Armstrong.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. I am not making any money from this fic.

'A Fate Worse Than Death'  
by: Christine

 

***

"Holy mother of God!" Roy shouted to the heavens.

God rolled his eyes. Every time Roy Mustang completed a heated and sweaty bout of love making with his younger lover, he'd either cry out for his mommy or praise HIM for gracing Roy with the gift of a tight young ass squeezed around his cock.

God learned to ignore such outbursts.

Ed lay limply across Roy's desk, completely naked and trying hard to catch his breath. He'd been glad Roy remembered the lube this time as last time they played 'Ride the Mustang' Ed wound up sore and feeling like he'd had a wrench shoved up his ass.

"Fuck, Roy," Ed said, still breathless. "Next time warn me when you decide to try something different. Al's going to wonder why I'm walking like I've got a pole shoved up my ass."

"You DID have a pole up your ass," Roy replied and pulled out slowly, enjoying the gasp from the teen below him. "Now, move that sexy ass off my desk and help me clean it up. Hawkeye's been eyeing my desk recently. I think she knows what we get up to when we're in here."

Ed stood up, turned around and glared at his lover. "Well, if you wouldn't skip across the office and blatantly lock the door whenever I entered, she wouldn't have started." He dressed quickly. "Besides, finding some of your papers stuck together with a 'mysterious' substance, didn't help either."

Roy opened his mouth to retort, when the door banged open, splinters flying every which way. Roy sighed. He'd have to call maintenance to have it replaced again.

"SO!" Armstrong boomed, sparkles sparkling around his head. "I see young Edward Elric is present. I was right, you two are doing things unbecoming of military personnel!"

"Er..." Roy said eloquently.

"Fuck," Ed agreed.

Armstrong began to cry great rivulets of tears, wetting everything in the vicinity of his very large and very manly person. "Colonel! You should be ashamed! Taking advantage of a young boy! And YOU, Edward Elric, I should tell your brother!"

Ed's eyes widened in alarmed horror. "No! Anything but that!" He turned to Roy. "If he tells Al, he's going to want to join and as much as I love my brother, I don't love him THAT much."

Roy's expression remained blank as he thought of the possibility of an Elric sandwich with him being the meat. InTRIGuing. When he felt an automail elbow poke him in the ribs, he shook his head and nodded halfheartedly in agreement. "Yes, yes. No Elric sandwiches."

"What the HELL are you talking about?"

"Nothing." Roy pulled in a breath. "Major, first of all, this is completely consensual. Those rent boys near the Chicken Shack are lying...erm...heh. As I was saying, this is none of your business."

"Right."

Armstrong ripped off his shirt and the sparkles began sparkling in full force. "I can not allow you to continue this farce." He flexed, making Ed want to lose his lunch. "Since you won't listen to reason, I will have to use the Armstrong persuading method passed down the Armstrong line for generations."

"Why do I have this sudden feeling of dread?" Ed whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Because he removed his shirt?"

"Well...yeah, but this feels like some divine power has just booted me in the ass."

God threw up his hands and walked away. This wasn't HIS doing.

Ed backed up in fear when the Major's pants went the same way as his shirt. "Oh FUCK no!" He ran behind Roy, peeking out from behind him. "YOU'RE the superior officer here, DO SOMETHING!"

Roy frowned as the 'Alchemist of the People' cowered behind him. "Er...Major Armstrong, I really don't think you should be doing...oh dear God he's removing his underwear. Ed, I love you, but I'm not sticking around to see what's hiding under those."

Ed clapped his hands and a wall appeared between them and the, now, naked Major. "I swear if you leave me here alone with him, I will transmute your sorry ass into a cat and let Al cuddle you to death. Fuck the consequences of Human Transmutation. I'll remove my own eyes and offer them to the Gate."

Roy sighed. He thought, he pondered, he did algebraic equations in his head. "Uh, Major, I am ORDERING you to put your skivvies back on and to pretend you never saw us here together."

Armstrong ignored Roy and began advancing on the lovers. Dick swinging with each step. Roy swung around when he heard glass shatter behind him. "That's it, I'm busting out of here. Stay if you want, but I'd rather see Scar naked than Armstrong there. I think we have brain bleach back at our apartment. I'm sure Al will understand." He made for the window he'd broken open with his automail fist.

Before either of them could jump out, they were tackled by a completely naked Armstrong.

"NooOooOOooo!"

***

Roy jerked away and looked wide-eyed at his surroundings. He saw the familiar setting of his bedroom and breathed out heavily in relief. A snort came from his bed companion, but Ed didn't wake up. "Thank god it was only a dream," Roy whispered to no one in particular.

"Colonel?" Came the timid voice of Alphonse Elric, knocking lightly on the door. "Are you okay? Did Brother kick you with his automail in the privates again?"

Roy blinked. "Er, no. Bad dream. I'm okay. Go back to sleep."

"Okay."

Roy heard the retreating footsteps of the youngest Elric brother and sighed. He got comfy in the bed he shared with Ed and snuggled deep. He'd have to remember not to eat chilli before bed again. It always made him dream of Armstrong.

Eew.

End


End file.
